One Foot in Sea, and One on Shore

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The kind of fear
where my heart
might explode;
So dizzy,
I can hardly see;
Hardly breathe;
tingling.
Push, push, push.
Do it anyway.

Hey everyone..I'm taking a digital photography class and I made a background/wallpaper. It's not all Wings..but Hank is included. ;) Just thought I'd share it with you guys. Let me know what you think. :)

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well, I guess I should update this whole LJ thing for future reference. Kaleb is now being (and probably has been) the biggest douche possible. guess I was more upset about finding out about his break-up week hijinks than I thought because I spent Friday throwing myself a pity party. went over to Dennis's for his birthday/Winter Classic (where I impressed everyone with my hockey knowledge that I learned the night before from Lauren, hahah, such as Canada beating the USA in a shootout at World Juniors, and a few things about injured players and whatnot. it was pretty funny. I also learned the recipe for Genji's Yum-Yum Sauce so you can be SURE I will make that soon!) and had myself a little Smirnoff bottle and cuddled up to Stacey and was very sleepy. also decorated a cake as an ice rink for Dennis, and I got a lot of flack for not including the trapezoid! and then I came home and was feeling kind of shitty so I had my Live Coldplay cd on full blast and was singing, and decided that I needed a good cry to Fix You. so I stopped at an empty spot and parked my car and sobbed and sang along, and felt a little better. finished out the Coldplay cd there, and wiped my face off, and drove home as the Death Cab for Cutie cd came on, but I sang I Will Survive over it, since that has been my anthem for the past month. luckily for me I know all the lyrics to that song for some reason! and Lauren came over and we watched Lost and I had 3 tasty vodka drinks and was very tipsy (I'm a big lightweight, leave me alone!) and said all kinds of hilarious things including a rendition of a musical version of Lost, and ended the night cuddled close to Lauren. I just needed the one day. and then yesterday I saw on Kaleb's facebook page that he is "no longer listed as single," which is not surprising but terribly hurtful. so... I texted Lauren first, but she must have been busy so I texted Manuela, who was like "OMG WHAT!?" especially I since I haven't chatted with her in a while so I hadn't told her about Kaleb's girl that he was talking to before we had even officially broken up. and we chatted and her solutions are always funny because she just wants to get back at him and decided that it would be good to tell Kaleb that she and I hooked up, hahahahaha. she didn't actually but it was funny.(personally I feel that sleeping with half the hockey team would be better retribution, but that's just gross so I won't) but I was getting sort of overwhelmed and told Zach and Ashley who were in the living room with me and started to tear up. I had texted Stacey a minute before, too, and she immediately called me and chatted with me, and I was pretty much in tears by the time we talked and she managed to calm me down somehow and we talked for a little while and I felt better. I was really angry yesterday and wanted to tell Kaleb to come get all his shit and never talk to me again, but I am better today, and find that I would really rather just not associate with him anymore, and I'm all done caring about what happens to him, and I will be civil and be the bigger person, but I have no interest in remaining friends. I have even stopped looking at his facebook page, which is a real accomplishment. I'm just so done.

and of course, on top of all that, the power steering on my car decided to not work again on Saturday. I was furious, oh my god. took the car into the garage this morning, and apparently my car decided to work much better today so hopefully they can still figure out what is wrong. I thought the tank was still leaking, but I went to put more fluid in it and it was full. so I guess they fixed that, but something isn't working right. I think it was so nasty yesterday and Saturday because it was so cold, and it isn't that cold today. I hope they don't tell me that that's just how my car is going to be in the cold now. that would be shitty. anyway, I'm about ready to push my car off a bridge. oh, and when I went over to my parents' house this morning my dad pointed out the orange spot on the ground where my car leaked coolant. faaaabulous. fuck my life.

anyway! I feel that from the whole Kaleb situation I have learned some valuable life lessons. the very hard way. here they are in list format to myself!

Note to Self:
- If you suspect that something is going on, and feel the need to snoop incessantly, the relationship is not healthy.
- If when snooping you frequently find things that imply something is going on, such as inappropriate flirting/talking, do not be allowed to be persuaded that you're misunderstanding anything, or that "nothing was going to happen," or that it will never happen again. These are lies, and you knew it all along. Thus the perpetuation of snooping.
- Do not date werewolves
- Break up with someone the first time your head tells you to, even when you don't want to. You knew this before Kaleb, but it seems that it bears reminding as you spent faaaaar too long this time dragging it on. I'll never learn this lesson. I know it to be very true, but I will never learn this one.

I feel like I learned more but I can't think of it all right now. I'll finish the list later.

but for now, I would like to give a virtual toast to all my friends who have been there for me throughout this nasty mess.

To Stacey, who came to my immediate rescue at a moment's notice, every time.
To Dennis, who let me stay at his house so I wouldn't be alone in the first few weeks.
To Lauren, who is always there to listen to my complaints, and bitch right along with me about Kaleb, haha.
To Manuela, who always cheers me up with her ridiculous and explicit suggestions and stories, and is the devil on my shoulder.
To Ashley and Zach, who I might not talk about all this ridiculousness with all the time, but who have taken very good care of me and I am very very glad to not be alone in my apartment. They help me financially, but Zach has also been cooking for us all since the breakup and they have helped me more than I'm sure they know.
To Elaine and Caleb, who have been doing a good job making sure that I always have something to do, and invite me over just to watch movies or whatever.
To Karissa and Yvonne, who text me frequently to tell me that they love me lots.

so... all I can say is that I have the best friends who love me lots and take very good care of me, and I'm not sure if I could be as alright as I am without them.

I just realized
I will never lose you
Because I never had you.
I wanted so much more,
so much less
than this.

Who wants to join me in an AIM chat during the game tonight? (That's like, in 2 minutes?) AIM BlueOctoGirlie.

• 23:00 Eeeeeeeeeee! My Fluevog Malibrans (tinyurl.com/yh44enr) arrived today! Now I want one in every colour! *cuddles them* #

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• 04:31 #tenyearsago was the first NYE that I stayed up past midnight. Mum was out of town, and Dad didn't know we weren't supposed to. Happy 2010! #

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All I have
All I know
is that I will
wake up everyday
like I've done everyday
my whole life;
And I'll do what I can
with what I have
where I am.
I won't run away.
I won't give up.
Because I've come so far.
Because I've done so many things
I thought I never could.
Even when it seems
I'm alone,
Even when I really am
alone,
This is all I can do.
It's what I will do.
It's what I've been doing.
I don't need you to see,
even though I wanted you to.
There's lots of things
I wanted.
But I
no longer want to be "strong,"
pretending I don't care.
Of course I care.
Of course it hurts.
Of course I'm terrified.
But I'm going forward anyway.
Because the endless future;
Overflowing with hope;
is there.
Even if I can't reach it,
I can die trying.
The only thing crueler than time
is myself, lying.
Now I'm shut off from the
seemingly transparent world.
I'll reach it again.
I have come so far.
I don't know anything,
I know everything.
Today,
COURAGE.
These aren't resolutions
nor promises.
It's just
today.
I know today.
I have today.

Alice has "Cullen Eyes" as I call them! She gets them from her momma and I couldn't be happier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!

• 00:16 Canadian customs is so friendly! I would confess anything to them! #

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went dress shopping with Kelsey and Diane yesterday, and that was super exciting. Diane first took us out to lunch at Chili's, and that was fun. then we hit up David's Bridal which took a lot longer than it should have because apparently the staff at our David's Bridal is inept. but after about a half hour of waiting for someone to come help us, we were finally helped. Kelsey found two dresses she liked, and I liked the first dress better than the second dress because it was very flowing and romantic, but she liked the second dress because it gave her the hips she wanted. I thought the second one would be inappropriate for a garden wedding since it seemed very princessy. so we sort of talked about both dresses a lot and neither dress was perfect for what she wanted, so I suggested after probably a half hour of discussion that we attempt to find the things she liked in both dresses somewhere else. Kelsey and Diane were a little baffled about where else to go, though, because it's not like Saginaw has a whole bunch of bridal shops hanging around. but thankfully one of my favorite past times is browsing wedding dresses and I knew of a salon that carried the Maggie Sottero dresses that I like here in town. I didn't expect Kelsey to buy a Sottero dress because I know that they usually run between $700-$1400 and her budget was at most $700, but I didn't know what else the salon carried and I thought that perhaps would could find something less expensive there. so we walked in and it was just a little salon, with maybe thirty or forty dresses tightly packed together, but I could tell by looking at the dresses that they were of a much higher quality than the ones at David's Bridal. better fabrics and stuff. so we pulled two dresses that had what Kelsey liked, a lot of lace and beading, and there was a third that she mentioned being interested in but left it on the rack. she tried on the first dress, which took my breath away but it was too big for Kelsey's tastes. and she tried on the second dress, which was absolutely stunning and had all the lace and beadwork she wanted, and would look incredible in a garden, but you could see it on her face that she didn't love it. we all spent probably a good fifteen minutes exclaiming how stunning this dress was, and how beautiful she was in it, and it would look amazing in the garden, but still she wasn't pleased. it didn't give her the silhouette she wanted, the hips weren't built up at all so she felt like a rectangle in it, which wasn't true because she was incredible, but she wasn't happy. so eventually I could tell that all the convincing in the world was not going to change Kelsey's mind, and so I pretty much just said "well, if you don't like it then it isn't the dress, and that's that." and I went to the rack and pulled the dress she had mentioned having an interest in earlier, which she no longer even remembered. I showed it to her, and she agreed to try it on, even though it didn't have any lace and the beadwork was fairly minimal. so she put it on and came out, and you could see that she liked this one the best so far. at first it wasn't love, you know, she was just looking and thought it was pretty. it was very clearly too big, so I went up and pulled the back tighter to show her what kind of a figure it would give her when it was fitted to her, and she started to like it more and more. at first she thought the skirt was kind of plain, since it only has a little slit on the side with some beading or embroidery, but then we showed her the train which had some embroidery and beading on it, and she started to think it wasn't so plain. soon enough she was beginning to smile looking at herself in it, and we spent a long time talking about it, and talking about the crystals that were on it, which caught all kinds of different light and were very dynamic. and then we started talking about how it would look in the garden, which the answer was that it would be very pretty. it's not as ethereal as the previous dress, but it would still look very nice in a garden. the crystals would be amazing in the sunlight. and sure enough, Kelsey started to grin and sort of swoosh the skirt around a little, and I tightened the bodice for her a few more times just so she could see her figure again, and she would grin a little more every time. and then we started talking about the price, because we could see by now that she really liked the dress, and it turned out that the dress was originally $1000+, but since the owner was trying to get rid of her samples to make room for the new samples, she would sell Kelsey the sample for $540. like I said, the dress was too big (I think a size 12, and Kelsey is a size 6) and we were a little worried about taking the dress in that much, but the seamstress was right there the whole time watching Kelsey try dresses on and assured Kelsey that she could very easily take the dress in that much. so with the new price being well within her budget (and actually considerably cheaper than the dresses at David's Bridal which she liked, and those were even on sale) and the assurance that the dress could be made to fit her, she started to grin more and bounce a little. and you know, buying a dress is a major decision so Kelsey and Diane weren't necessarily certain that they should buy the dress, but I made the point that Kelsey will not be home again until March at least and the dress will certainly not be there anymore. so Diane started to ask about putting money down on the dress to hold it and give Kelsey a little while to think about it. the owner said that she could hold it for a week but no longer, which would be fine. and then Kelsey or Diane mentioned the possibility of putting straps on the dress because Kelsey had liked the sweetheart halter style on a different dress earlier, and the seamstress was like "oh, well, I think this dress actually comes with attachable straps!" and sure enough there was a little package hanging off the back of the dress containing the halter straps Kelsey had mentioned! so we quickly attached them and they were too big, too, but I had Kelsey hold the straps at the neck and then I pulled the dress tight again so she could see what it would look like, and you could tell she was sold. (she had said earlier that she didn't want to take it off, which is always a good sign. also I asked her the typical bridal salon questions, "is this your dress?" "do you feel like a bride?" "do you love it?" "can you imagine dancing with Chris?" which was fun) and Diane cried a little, which was cute. she was like "I'm not going to cry. ok, I'm going to cry." and so Kelsey finally decided that she loved the dress and Diane asked if she was sure, if she should put the money down to hold it and Kelsey could think about it or if she just wanted to buy it and Kelsey was like "I am sure!" and they bought the dress! it was very exciting. :D and Kelsey was very excited. I mean, $540 for that dress is an incredibly ridiculous price. I'm so happy for her. and the dress wasn't what she thought she wanted, but it's beautiful. in case you were wondering, it's a Justin Alexander dress.

and I went to work and after work I went to visit Kelsey again because she had to leave early this morning.

and then I came home and Lauren and Scott came over and we talked for a while and watched The Ugly Truth. the movie was very funny, but Scott told me before we watched the Kaleb had been essentially "seeing" someone even the week we broke up, which generally upset me. I tried not to think about it, since really it doesn't even matter now. it's not like we are together, or planning on getting back together, and at this point in time we rarely even talk. so clearly it doesn't matter. but it is upsetting, still. so I stayed up for a while after they left (not before reading through the Mythological Dating Guide I checked out of the library, which was highly entertaining) and somehow Dante always seems to know when I need to talk, so as I was on facebook he popped up to talk to me, and I talked to him about it for a little while. we decided that Dante's philosophy of "fuck bitches, get money" is best in this situation, haha. so I guess I am now a little less concerned with keeping a friendship with Kaleb just because that's pretty big asshole move to make. not that I'm surprised he did, but I guess I'm hurt that he did. I'll try to remain friends with him, but if we don't then I'm not going to sweat it. I'm kind of angry, too, but I'll get over it, I'm sure. kind of wish Scott hadn't told me, but oh well. it seems evident though that at least for now Scott and Lauren are on my "side" of the break-up, and it's always good to have back-up. and it's not like we're even on sides, because the break-up didn't result from a big fight or dramatic event, the only reason there are sides now is because Kaleb is being a douche. but I guess he can do what he wants. and clearly is, as his FB status for today is "fuck memories, start living". maybe I'll have to take a leaf from his book and do the same and see how he feels about it. ...I'm not a bitch, I swear. ...ok, only a little. I guess I just thought he would have the decency to wait, I don't know, a week or two before fucking some girl. and it totally explains why he went from "I'm willing to do anything to work this out with you" to "I think we are completely over" in a day. I hope he's happy. but I'm willing to bet that at this point, I'm happier than he is. and I suppose that that is comfort enough.

and now tonight I'm having a few people over for the evening. just really low-key, probably not any different than usual. I think it might just be Lauren, Scott, and Martha, and that would be fine. I'm not sure if Martha realizes that Kaleb and I broke up.

here's to 2010! Fuck bitches, get money.

Music...
Music proved it for me.
I am alive.
I am alive.
I want to give this feeling
to someone else someday.

Thank you.

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well, my big surprise went off without a hitch! I threw Kelsey a bridal shower on Monday and it was fantastic. :D she was totally surprised and had absolutely no idea. she walked in the door and had this deer in the headlights look on her face, hahah. and you could tell she was totally confused but just started doling out the hugs, haha. I sort of leaned over to her and let her know that this was a bridal shower, hahah, and she was much less confused.

I did all the food, which was not an overwhelming amount but decent and ended up being really yummy. I did a veggie tray, a fruit plate, meatballs, and a spinach and artichoke dip with tortilla chips. and cupcakes. and punch, haha. and I had never made the spinach dip or the meatballs before, so I was hoping that they would turn out. and apparently the spinach dip was amazing, haha, because EVERYONE was complimenting it and the whole plate of it was gone! and people liked the meatballs a lot, too, but I didn't think they were as good I was expecting.

we played toilet paper dresses, which was hilarious and we didn't have an even number of people so we coerced Sean into being a model, hahahah. he was staring daggers at me for a little while but by the time they had to walk the catwalk he was pretty into it, haha. so that was funny, and we played a few rounds of bridal bingo, which everyone thought was cute. Elaine did a super job with the bingo cards and all the games, really. then we had everyone dig through the cupcakes and find a ring while we set up the champagne for a toast. and I was sort of unprepared for the toast so I'm sure that some gobbledy-gook came out but it was sweet and Kelsey was pleased. and we did one of those guess the amount jars, which Kelsey's grandmother won, which was sort of funny because it had lip gloss and nail polish and bath fizzies in it, along with some candy. so... hopefully she finds some use for it.

and then we did presents, and she got some nice things, of course. and we all hung out for a while after. and everyone said that Elaine and I put on a great party, so I'm glad that people had fun. :)

and I went home and got changed and came back and Kelsey, Liz, and I did another painting like the other ones that hang in my apartment. this one turned out really well, I am excited to see it dry.

and now today I am going wedding dress shopping with Kelsey and her mom and am just super excited to go. :D!

My voice...
Where are you?
My heart...
Where are you?
My self...
Where are you?

I am alive?
Prove it.
Please.

• 03:34 Learning to play Carcassonne w/familia. The verdict so far: game win! #
• 23:54 I'd forgotten how much I love driving standard! Muhahaha, control is mine! #

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